Forgiving Yourself

***I apologize for the absence. My brother got married on Saturday, it has been a bit chaotic***

While this journey to becoming a better me has mostly been about weight loss and getting healthier there have been other improvements along the way. Areas of myself that maybe I didn't even know I was lacking in or never even thought of improving.

One of those areas that never crossed my mind, learning to forgive myself

When I would eat foods I shouldn't (like a whole thing of Oreo's), go overboard at a buffet to the point of being uncomfortable, or simply not eat I would get mad at myself. I would criticize myself for eating foods I knew weren't healthy, for over eating on those unhealthy foods. I became mad at myself which would lead to more binge eating of crap food. It was a vicious cycle.

My unforgiving ways would also go to my workouts. If I overslept I would beat myself up all day. Like seriously, how could you not get out of bed, laziness, pure laziness. Then as I would be relaxing on the couch at night I would have this nagging voice that I needed to go do something. I needed to stop being a bum on the couch.

Yea, I was mean to myself. I was very unforgiving when I would slip-up.

I'm not sure why I beat myself up.

I obviously wasn't perfect before I started this journey.

Not sure why I thought that starting this journey I would never miss a workout or eat crap foods.

I knew I would, because I'm not perfect. If I was perfect I wouldn't be trying to lose the weight in the first place!

Source- pin.terest

Here lately though I've been forgiving myself.

Now this is not to be confused with making excuses. There is a HUGE difference!

For example, this wedding and helping my mom get everything around has made for some long nights and restless sleep.  There were times that I chose to sleep instead of doing my 5am workouts.

Old Megan would have beat myself up about it but not done anything on my own.

Improved Megan acknowledged that my body needed the sleep and then since I also knew that I needed to workout I pushed myself to do it. Alone. No gym. No coach. Just me and Reagan (usually). I didn't use the excuse I was tired to sit my butt on the couch at night. I used that as motivation, like hey I didn't work out this morning so now I have to use my evening to do it!

source- pint.terest

The same goes for eating.

I don't eat perfect. I try my hardest to be healthy 80-90% of the time. There's times I don't. Not beating myself up as I continue to lick the brownie batter but instead, stop eating the crap, acknowledge that I did and do some burpees to feel better!

It is just amazing to me how this journey is shaping me into the woman I always knew I was but had forgotten I could be.

Goals and Rewards

Goal- the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end.
Reward- something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc.
 (source- www.dictionary.com)

I have goals. Non-fitness related such as paying off debt, finishing my kitchen, decluttering rooms and my life basically. Then I have health/fitness ones. Such as, weight goals, endurance goals, weight lifting goals and some days, running goals. The running one tends to sway some days but it is still there (it just isn't a priority at the moment and not exactly sure when it will become a priority).

Having goals is so important in anything you want to accomplish. Having goals in your head is one thing, but when you write them down and look at them every day, for me it makes them real. They are tangible. You read it every single time you walk by it. 

So my big goal that I have written down right now is to lose 50lbs so I can buy me a pair of legit Sperry shoes. I have a pair of the Kohl's knockoffs and they are fine but I want to reward myself and spending $$$$ on shoes (other than boots because that is always justified!) is a great way. 

I have a picture of the shoes on my mirror that I pull out of the drawer and look at while I brush my teeth/do my make-up/and do my hair (and by do my hair I mean usually throw it back). 

Source-Pinterest

 This allows me to see the end result while also looking in the mirror and seeing the progress I am making towards that goal. Now I know I said not to get hung up on the number on the scale but in reality my number needs to go down and pushing myself to get that number down with a goal is what I need to do. However, that number will not define progress that I am making in other areas.

That one is a more long term goal. Currently my short term goal is 10lbs for the month of May. Watch me rock it and when I do, I'm getting a massage! Again, a number goal but easily measured.

Source-Pinterest

This leads to another point, rewarding yourself for accomplishing your goals.  

I am all about rewards that are things I normally wouldn't buy for myself. Such as Sperry's, a massage etc. I've seen cool things like people putting money in a jar every time they work out and using that money to pay for their reward. However, I never have cash on me so I feel like I would always be owing the jar money. It will just be easier to go out and buy whatever it may be that I deem necessary. 

So basically, have a goal, write it down, read it every day and reward yourself (however you deem necessary) when you achieve it! 
 

#transformationtuesday

Oh IG and twitter and your numerous hashtags. Some that I don't even understand and have to google for an explanation (yup I am that pathetic at times). Well this one, #transformationtuesday has intimidated me for a long time. Why you ask, would a silly hashtag bother me? Well....

I was scared.

I was scared that my transformation wasn't good enough to use the hashtag. Lame yes but self-confidence issues don't just vanish overnight?  Seriously, past self-esteem and self-confidence and stuff doesn't just go away. I still see the Megan who was at her heaviest and I need to work on that. But that's another post for another day, maybe another hashtag????

But it's the truth.

That old feeling of what I have accomplished doesn't compare to what others have. 

That's not the point though.

The point is, I am darn proud of what I have accomplished as well as the friends I've made along the way and what they have accomplished.

So without further ado, my first post for #transformationtuesday

These pictures are about a year apart exactly. The one on the left, April 2013 at Reagan's baptism. I was about 4 1/2 months postpartum. The one on the right, taken this morning at 4:50am. Yup I look hot going to the gym.

Put these side by side and I am simply amazed at the progress I have made. I am no where near finished but seeing this gives me the motivation to keep going!

Weekends

Weekends are my favorite. Time to unwind, regroup and major family time. Weekends can also be hard on your lifestyle change. I refuse to say the word diet because this isn't a diet, it is a lifestyle change. Diets end and diets fail. This isn't going to end and these choices I'm making aren't going to fail, plain and simple!

Okay now that I've gotten that off my chest back to the point of this post.

Weekends are also a great time for me to meal prep. I can get my breakfasts (when I don't do a meal replacement shake), lunches and sometimes dinner made ahead of time so all I have to do is put it in the crock pot or warm it up. This has been huge in helping me stay on track health wise and financially. I would really hate to know how much money I have dropped on getting my lunches from fast food restaurants, pizza places, etc over the last 5 years since I've been working at my current job. Like, I think it would make a huge dent in my student loans if I were to add it up!

Meal prepping at first seemed expensive because I dropped a chunk of change at the grocery store but now I can go to the store, spend $75 and eat for a week and half. This has also cut way back on Matt and I eating out during the week, which also saves a ton of money.

Typically, my meal prepping starts with cooking my chicken breasts in the oven. Usually it is either chicken that my parents have raised or ones that I buy in the store, a pork roast or beef roast in the crock pot, sausage and eggs.

The sausage and eggs I make into my breakfast wraps. Most of the time they are simply, sausage, eggs and cheese because this is all Matt likes in them. If I get ambitious I will cook up some onions and peppers and add those to another batch just for me! I put the cooked sausage and egg into the egg roll wrapper, roll and bake till golden brown. Then I put them in the freezer and grab out what I need. A minute or so in the microwave and voila, a quick hot breakfast packed full of protein.

I am by no means a food photog they are usually taken on my phone too so no fancy camera used

Another item I love to make on the weekends and have it for quick lunches are my buffalo or BBQ chicken roll-ups. So quick and easy and delish! The only way I could make them better would be to make my own sauces but I use what I have and that is Frank's Red Hot or any BBQ sauce. I shred up the chicken, put it in a zip lock bag, add the sauce and shake what your mama gave ya! Roll them in the egg roll wrappers, bake and enjoy.

I've also become a big fan of the frozen recipe ready vegetables that you can buy the onions, peppers, mushrooms all ready to go into the pan. Makes it so easy and there is no waste because what you don't use goes back in the freezer.

I used to think the weekends were for relaxing, catching up on house work and not cooking. Now, I've changed my thinking and try to keep the house picked up during the week and do a lot of my cooking on a Saturday or Sunday and I have more time to spend with my family.

Stumbling

These past 2 weeks have been rough. By rough I mean I feel like I have been pulled into a million different directions without a plan or time to even consider making one. Sounds like an excuse, yes it is but it is also real life.

The bootcamp challenge at the gym ended on Valentine's day. Just in time for my date with George Strait! Well, my husband had to go as well =). My results from that challenge included 19lbs gone (not lost because I don't intend to find them again) and 27.75 inches gone. With results like that, I came in third place! First time the last couple of boot camps at the gym I placed!

The following week I was at a conference. I was driving back and forth. I was able to plan some snacks (strawberry almonds, grapes, protein bars etc). However, lunch and dinners were hard. I took my MNS packets and had my carb ease and fibo trim, yet it didn't seem like enough. The nice part about driving back and forth was that I was able to keep up with my workouts. The eating probably wasn't as bad as a I think it was but I still didn't have complete control and I didn't really like that! If that week taught me anything, it shows that I love having control over my choices.

This past week, the sickness has hit our house. Reagan got sick on Saturday night. 3 or 4 baths and bed changes later we were finally able to go to sleep. Then Matt got sick. He of course was dying as most men do when they are sick. So far I have been able to avoid that end of the sickness. Then yesterday, Reagan tested positive for RSV. So today, I am home with her. At least I know that I am control of my choices today.

When things get stressful, I want to turn to food. Not because it will make the stress go away but because I think that it fills me. It gives me something to focus on. And that, that is the hardest part of my past to move on from. Eating when I am stressed has been my go to for so long and I thought I had conquered it until things like this pop up. I feel like it drags me back 10 steps.  I know no one is perfect and stress gets to all of us no matter how much we try to avoid it but somehow it doesn't seem to effect others like it does me. I feel kind of like an addict who has been clean for so long then you get one whiff of  your trigger and it drags you back in.

But this time, I won't be staying back here. I won't let this turn of events keep me from achieving my goals! I know what I need to do and like Scarlett O'Hara said in Gone With the Wind, "after all tomorrow is another day."